


Dude, Don't Be Gay

by DigitalAlice



Category: South Park
Genre: Eric Cartman Being Eric Cartman, Fluff and Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-28
Updated: 2017-11-28
Packaged: 2019-02-08 02:35:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12854895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DigitalAlice/pseuds/DigitalAlice
Summary: Cartman may have been supportive before, but now, Craig and Tweek are taking the spotlight. A.k.a. Cartman tries to break up Craig and Tweek (badly).





	Dude, Don't Be Gay

'Five bucks says Craig punches Cartman first.'

Stan and Kyle leaned against the wall, watching as Cartman lined up a handful of fourth grade girls.

'No way dude,' Kyle whispered back. 'Tweek's a psycho when he's mad. He'll totally punch Cartman first.'

Craig and Tweek sat side by side on the stone steps. School was out for the day and Cartman had summoned them to an urgent meeting, but Stan and Kyle knew he'd been planning this all week.

'Five bucks,' Stan muttered, holding out his hand.

'You're on.' Kyle shook his hand and watched as Cartman cleared his throat.

'Tweek and Craig,' he began professionally. 'I think you both know why I've called you here today.'

'N-no,' Tweek squeaked.

'Not really, no,' Craig said, resting his chin on his hand.

'I'll cut to the chase. You guys need to stop being gay now.'

'W-what?'

'You're gay,' Cartman told Tweek, 'and I mean, at first it was pretty cool, but now it's just boring. People are getting pretty sick of it. And when I say people, I mean me.'

'What is your problem?' Craig sighed.

'He's just jealous,' Kyle said, frowning at Cartman. 'All the girls at school are obsessed with you two and nobody pays him any attention anymore.'

'That's not true you asshole!' Cartman complained. 'I'm just saying the novelty has worn off now. So what I've done for you guys - because I'm nice like that - is find you guys some girls to choose from that would be willing to go on a date with you.'

'Jesus fucking Christ,' Craig muttered, pinching the bridge of his nose.

'Let's meet the girls,' Cartman said with a smile. He went to each girl in turn and made them say their name. Tweek twitched and glanced at Craig, who was sitting calmly and letting each girl speak.

'Okay Craig,' Cartman said. 'You first. Which one do you want?'

'Hmm. I like the blonde,' Craig replied.

Tweek looked down at his lap miserably.

'Great! Stacey, that's you. Why don't you go ahead and swap numbers and-'

'Not  _that_  blonde,' Craig interrupted. He took Tweek's chin to tilt his face up so that they were both looking at Cartman. ' _This_  one.'

'God fucking damn it, Craig. That's the kind of gay stuff you've got to stop if you want to be cool again.'

'You know what's gay?' Craig asked. 'Labels. Labels are pretty gay, man.'

'Fine. Tweek, who do you want?'

'Agh! I'm f-fine with how things are…'

'Tweek you can't be gay anymore!' Cartman snapped, making Tweek flinch. Craig's eyes narrowed dangerously.

'Told you,' Stan whispered to Kyle. 'Tweek may be mental but the minute Cartman goes after Tweek, Craig is gonna flip his shit. He's the protective type.'

'We'll see,' Kyle replied quietly.

'Tweek,' Cartman reasoned, aware of the look of warning he was getting from Craig. 'You don't really want to like guys, do you? You're cooler than that dude.'

'I don't like guys,' Tweek said, twitching nervously. 'I just like Craig.'

The corners of Craig's mouth turned up in a pleased smile.

'Oh my god, you guys are so hopeless,' Cartman sighed.

'Guess so,' Craig agreed. 'School ended twenty minutes ago. I gotta go or my parents will freak.'

He leaned over and kissed Tweek on the cheek.

'I'll text you,' Craig whispered, and Tweek nodded.

'Tweek, you suck,' Cartman said.

'He also swallows,' Craig replied without hesitating. As he passed Cartman he deliberately bumped against his shoulder, knocking him to the side.

'Does that count?' Stan asked hopefully.

'In your dreams.' Kyle said with a smile. 'I'm not giving you five bucks unless Craig actually punches him before Tweek does, and now Craig is leaving it's my chance to win.'

Once Craig had disappeared down the street, the group of girls Cartman had gathered began to leave too.

'Don't go, bitches, this isn't over,' Cartman shouted. One of the girls looked over her shoulder as she walked away.

'They're about as straight as cooked spaghetti, so just give it up,' she called to him.

Cartman growled in frustration, turning to glare at Tweek, who sat trembling on the steps.

'Tweek, don't kid yourself dude,' Cartman tried again, taking a seat next to him. 'You really think Craig is like, the one? I mean, look at you.'

'L-look at me? W-what's wrong with me?'

'Cartman…' Stan warned, but Cartman held up his hand to silence him.

'I mean, your hair is a mess, and you can't even button up your shirt… you can't stop shaking. I mean, honestly, you look like a homeless crazy person about to flip out and kill someone, man.'

'I… I do?'

'Yeah. Craig is a cool guy, dude. How long do you think it will be before he gets sick of you?'

'Sick of me?!' Tweek began to twitch more violently, smoothing down his hair as best he could.

'You're too emotional, Tweek.' Cartman put his hand on Tweek's shoulder. 'If you're gonna be emotional then Craig is basically dating a girl already.'

'What do I do?' Tweek shrieked, looking at Stan and Kyle in panic.

'Get a girlfriend,' Cartman answered with an anything-but-innocent smile on his face. 'Dump Craig before he dumps you, bro.'

'AGHHHH!' Tweek screamed, jumping to his feet and running away.

'Huh,' Kyle said, watching him go. 'Craig didn't care and basically told Cartman to fuck off, and Tweek had a meltdown and ran.'

'Honestly,' Stan said to Kyle, 'we probably both should have seen that coming.'

The next day at school, Craig leaned against Tweek's locker, waiting. Tweek hadn't replied to any of his texts last night, and he got this horrible feeling like he shouldn't have left him alone with Cartman. He glanced down at his phone again, but still no messages.

'Excuse me; I need to get into my locker.'

Tweek's voice was so calm and quiet and Craig almost didn't recognise it. He looked up and frowned. Tweek's shirt was tucked in and buttoned neatly, his hair was brushed and smoothed down, and he wouldn't look Craig in the eye.

'Tweek?'

'Can I get in my locker, please?'

Craig stepped to the side and watched as Tweek opened it.

'What's up with you?'

'Nothing.'

'Babe…'

'Don't call me that,' Tweek said quickly, and Craig could hear the strain in his voice.

'Don't tell me Cartman actually got to you, dude.'

Tweek gripped the door to his locker.

'Tweek, talk to me.'

'I should… I should get to class.'

Tweek shut his locker and walked away. Craig tried to hunt down Cartman, but the bell rang and class was starting. Craig took his seat in the classroom and saw an empty seat at Cartman's desk. If that coward had called in sick today then Craig would go over to his fucking house to kick his ass. Tweek, who normally sat twitching and looking around nervously, was hunched over his notebook quietly. He didn't look up or even glance at Craig once.

Craig clenched his fists. Tweek didn't  _look_  right with his hair neat and his shirt buttoned. His quiet and non-twitching demeanour didn't seem calm, it seemed withdrawn. What the fuck had Cartman done to his boyfriend?

At lunch time Tweek disappeared into the cafeteria before Craig could catch up to him. He saw Stan and Kyle heading that way and stormed up to them.

'Where is he?' Craig demanded.

'Cartman?' Stan asked. 'He thought you might murder him so he stayed at home.'

'What did he do?'

'Convinced Tweek he was a wreck and that you didn't like him and would probably leave him,' Kyle replied, and Stan elbowed him.

'We weren't meant to say anything.'

'Dude, I don't even  _like_  Cartman.'

'What the fuck,' Craig sighed. 'Doesn't he understand that I like Tweek the way he is?'

Stan shrugged. 'You should punch Cartman. Before Tweek does, if possible.'

'Dude that's cheating!' Kyle complained.

Craig ignored them and went into the cafeteria. Fuck Cartman and his fat ass for making Tweek think he was anything less than fucking perfect.

Craig saw Tweek sitting at a table by himself, pushing his food around on the plate but not eating. Craig marched up to him and yanked him to his feet by the collar of his shirt.

'C-Craig!'

Craig ignored him and pulled his shirt up so it wasn't tucked in. He began unbuttoning it, swatting Tweek's hands away. People began to look at them and the nerves were enough to make Tweek start twitching again. This was the Tweek he knew. This was the Tweek he fucking  _loved_.

He deliberately buttoned up the shirt wrong so that there were gaps, like it normally was. Craig let his fingertips brush lightly over the exposed skin there and smiled when Tweek shivered. Then he reached up and pushed his fingers into Tweek's smooth hair, ruffling it until it stuck out in all directions. Tweek was shaking.

'W-why…' he trailed off quietly.

'Because I want my boyfriend back,' Craig said. He turned and saw several people staring at them.

'Listen up!' Craig shouted out, drawing everyone's attention. 'Tweek is my boyfriend, we are dating, we are gay together, and that's never, ever going to change. Anyone who doesn't like it can write a formal complaint and file it up their ass.'

Craig sat down in a huff and pulled Tweek onto his lap.

'Craig…'

'Don't ever change,' Craig said, pouting slightly. 'Don't ever listen to fucking Cartman, and don't ever change.'

'Okay, Craig.'

Stan and Kyle took their trays and made their way over to sit with Craig and Tweek.

'Honestly,' Stan sighed, 'we probably should have seen  _that_  coming too.'


End file.
